I have been half-hearted about the blog for several reasons but the most relevant here has to do about my mind set when I don’t organize.  Organization — I have been talking about organizing one’s space so far — applies to the mind, too, and to the heart. In both these place everything is all jumbled up together causing a deep confusion (clutter will cause that) if not despair. And the reason why I don’t organize these latter spaces is because of some limiting and narrow IDEA I have about what should be happening. For example, I have not been able to get into writing since my return from India, it simply isn’t happening. What has been happening is a knowledge and a half-hearted desire (again, because I thought it was second best, not worth doing, etc, why aren’t I writing) to organize my files. I have been doing some, unhappily, feeling bad that SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT (like brilliant ideas, or new compositions for my songs) weren’t happening. I have been a junkie of sorts: wanting new ideas daily, new compositions, something new and exciting all the time. First, I had to become okay with this IMPORTANT thing not happening, not thinking it was my fault somehow, not giving myself a hard time about it. Second I had to get into what was happening NOW, and that was: clean your fucking mess up!

Take my compositions for example: I have at least 20 that I haven’t worked out the rhythm or the fingerings or the interludes, or the beginnings and endings for. All I want to do when I sit down at the synthesizer is sing like a bird soaring to heaven. NOT HAPPENING. YOUR VOICE IS STUCK IN YOUR THROAT BECAUSE YOU AREN’T EVEN CONSCIOUS IT IS STUCK; your wings are weighed down by the oil spill of your messes. I have been sitting on a lot of such half-chewed stuff because I haven’t been ready for the hard work and patience and acceptance that cleaning up entails. I have been more interested in writing than doing something about it, and then moaning that nothing was happening with it.

Recognizing how fucked up one is, is Grace (though the conscious choice of being okay with what is, accepting it, moving with it, even being grateful for it, prepares the ground for it). Chopping wood and carrying water applies to this as well as to all else. Gird your loins, go to it, and pick up your goddamn loads!

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